In Her Eyes Page 14

  Ben ran his fingers over the back of her neck as his thumb cupped her face just in front of her ear.

  Casey bent her neck back slightly looking up at him only inches away.

  Ben leaned forward and kissed her. “I was thinking about taking her to get some ice cream.” He kissed her again, but this time for a little longer. “Maybe go putt-putt golf,” he said smiling. “Maybe just have a few lazy Sunday afternoons on the couch with her.”

  He started to speak again, but this time Casey stopped him. She tugged the bottom of his shirt pulling him back to her. His lips parted and she felt the warmth of his tongue against hers. Her legs tightened even more around his waist and his hands moved under her thighs lifting her off the counter. He started to carry her towards her bedroom, their lips never parting.

  But just as he got to her door the tea kettle began to scream.

  41

  Rhythm

  May 10, 2015

  “Can we go play now?” Emma asked.

  “Finish your vegetables first,” Casey said.

  Emma scooped up a spoonful of Lima beans and shoved them into her mouth and smiled.

  Ben laughed and Casey shot him a playfully scolding look.

  This had turned into an everyday occurrence for them over the past week. After work Casey would pick up Emma from daycare and find Ben waiting on her doorstop with a smile. Once he even picked her up when Casey got stuck at the hospital, and when she got home that night he had a warm plate of fried pork chops and mashed potatoes waiting.

  Casey got up from the table, walked over to the hall closet and came back with two board games in her hand. “Okay, we’ve got Operation and Mouse Trap.”

  “Can we play doctor instead?”

  “You don’t want to play Operation,” Casey asked again.

  Emma shook her head.

  Ben winked at Casey, “I’m always down to play doctor.”

  “Alright,” Casey said. “But just remember you asked for it.”

  Ben cleared the table, while Casey cleaned the dishes, and Emma started preparing the “hospital,” which was essentially the couch with a blanket spread out and a pillow on one end.

  When they finished they found Emma sitting in a chair by the couch. “Okay, Mr. Ben is the patient. You’re the doctor,” Emma said pointing to Casey. “And I’m the nurse.”

  “How do we play?” Ben asked.

  Emma tapped on the couch. “You lie down here, and we fix you.”

  Casey looked at Ben. “We might be here all night,” she joked.

  Ben winked at Casey again. “That’s fine. I can go all night.”

  Casey looked down at Emma who was shuffling through a homemade first aid kit that contained mostly Band-Aids, gauze, and hair ties. Luckily she was completely oblivious to Ben’s comment. Stooopp, Casey mouthed.

  Ben grinned and pinched Casey’s leg.

  Emma pulled out a couple Band-Aids, a pink hair tie, and a roll of gauze. “Okay, I will fix his hand and head wounds. You have to check his chest and legs. Do you have your skesosope?”

  “Steth-o-scope,” Casey corrected. “And where is the one I gave you?”

  Emma opened up her little black bag. “I forgot I even put it in here.” She pulled out the black and silver stethoscope and handed it to Casey. Then she grabbed Ben’s hand and began wrapping the hair tie around two of his fingers. “Your fingers are broken, so we’ve got to make a splint.”

  Ben looked down at his fingers. “That’s a very pretty splint. My fingers already feel better.”

  “No, you can’t move,” Emma said. “Not until you’re all better.”

  “Yeah, you can’t move,” Casey teased.

  She peeled the plastic off two Band-Aids and stuck one on each cheek. “Okay, now I’m going to fix your head wound with this.” Emma unrolled a piece of gauze and held it out in front of her. “You have to be very, very, still.”

  “I won’t move a muscle,” Ben said.

  Emma proceeded to wrap the gauze from his chin, around the side of his face, and over his head and then tied it in a knot. She looked back at Casey who was still sitting on the edge of the bed next to Ben. “Did you check his chest and legs yet?”

  With the stethoscope sitting around her neck Casey started to move the flat chest piece over his chest.

  “No, Mom. You have to put the things in your ears and do it for real.”

  Casey lifted the hollow metal tubes and placed the earpieces in her ears. She moved the chest piece over his body as she’d done a thousand times. All people enjoy the mall, she thought. It was a mnemonic she learned in medical school about the cardiac auscultation locations: aortic, pulmonic, Erb’s point, tricuspid, mitral.

  The first sound occurs when the mitral valve and the tricuspid valve close. The second sound occurs when the aortic valve and the pulmonary valve close after the blood leaves your heart. Ultimately a healthy heart has a regular rhythm and makes a lub-dub sound each time it beats. What she heard wasn’t a regular rhythm.

  Casey moved the chest piece around several more times and then let the stethoscope hang freely while she checked his pulse. Arrhythmia is best determined with an EKG or EPS, but sometimes checking the regularity of a pulse can also help.

  She held his wrist firmly for a count of fifteen, but this time she didn’t feel any irregularity. Maybe her mind was just playing tricks on her?

  “So, am I good to go, Doc?” Ben asked.

  Casey looked over at Emma. “What do you think Miss Nurse? Is he all better now?”

  “You will need lots of fluid and rest,” Emma said. “But you are all better.”

  Ben held out his hand and Emma shook it. “Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

  “Alright. Now it’s time to get ready for bed. Clean up and I’ll come back in here in a bit.”

  “But, Mom…”

  Casey shot Emma a quick look and she acquiesced.

  “Okay…”

  * * *

  After Emma was asleep, Casey started cleaning the kitchen again.

  He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She stopped cleaning for a moment, but didn’t respond to several soft kisses on her shoulder.

  “Is something on your mind?” Ben asked.

  Casey turned around to face him, her lower back and hands pressed against the counter while Ben’s hands moved up to her shoulders. “Can I ask you a question without you getting offended?”

  Ben smiled. “That’s not usually the start of a good conversation.”

  “Do you know what Erythropoietin is?”

  “EPO? Yeah, why?”

  She swallowed back a small block of fear. “Have you ever taken it?”

  “Yeah, I mean, who doesn’t blood dope these days?”

  Her face went completely flush and she straightened up, pushing him back a little. “Ben, I’m serious. Do you?”

  “No, of course I don’t do EPO. Why would you even ask that?”

  Casey looked down at the sink where a Lima bean was smashed against the sidewall.

  “Casey?”

  “Your heart,” she said.

  “What about it?”

  “Earlier when we were playing I thought I heard an arrhythmia and it just kind of scared me. But then I checked your pulse and couldn’t feel anything, so it was probably nothing.”

  Two small tears started at the corner of her eyes and ran slowly down the sides of her face.

  Ben wiped away each tear with the edge of his thumbs. “Come here,” he said, pulling her towards him. He wrapped his arms around her as she buried her face in his chest.

  She knew she liked Ben a lot, but she hadn’t realized it until this very moment that she loved him. And that’s what scared her so much earlier, just the thought of something bad happening. “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “For what?”

  “For crying. I feel like I’m always crying.”

  Ben ran his fingers over her back, gentl
y scratching through the fabric of her shirt. “You know what they say about tears. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of being strong for too long.”

  She tucked her arms in between her chest and his and looked up at him. He lowered his head until it rested against hers and their eyes were just inches apart.

  She knew there was never a good time to say this in a relationship. She knew that guys took it completely different than girls sometimes. She knew what she was risking. And yet, none of that seemed to matter because more than anything she knew that it was true.

  “I love you,” she said.

  Ben looked back at her and said, “I love you first.”

  42

  Kiss Me

  May 12, 2015

  Two days later Casey sat uncomfortably in a small plastic chair inside the Shands Teaching Hospital wing. One of the residents had put together a lecture on atrial fibrillation based on a recent case. She swung the wooden leaf desktop over her lap and sat her iPad on top of it.

  To her left was a full height brick wall, but to her right was a wall of almost entirely all windows that looked out to a small courtyard. Casey stared out the window, distracted, thinking about Ben.

  Yesterday was the start of summer classes and the first day in a couple weeks she hadn’t seen Ben. His coach had called an impromptu meeting to discuss a change in travel arrangements for the SEC Championship in Tuscaloosa. They talked last night for a little bit, and he promised to stop by sometime today before they left.

  She wanted to go so bad, but there was just no way. She couldn’t even imagine asking for three days off as a first year, even though she was technically only six weeks away from being a second year resident. Plus there was Emma, and her school.

  Several nurses walked outside towards a concrete bench with identical Vera Bradley lunch boxes that looked more like large hand purses. Casey’s attention turned back to her lecture as the lights in the lecture hall turned off and a Power Point presentation popped up on the white dry erase boards at the front of the classroom.

  A cute Asian girl stood off to the right, while a pudgy white guy started talking. Casey couldn’t remember his name, but it was something like William, or Todd. One of those names that made you think he was going to barely finish residency in time to get his trust fund that couldn’t be opened until he turned thirty.

  Ugh, stop being such a bitch and just pay attention.

  Several female residents in front of her started chatting, and then another small group to her left as well. Seriously? I’m finally trying to pay attention…

  A couple of them pointed towards the right side of the room. Casey looked over to her right, thinking maybe someone had walked in late or something, but there was no one there.

  The pudgy guy kept on talking, so enthralled in hearing himself speak that he didn’t even notice no one was paying attention. Even the cute Asian girl standing next to him was now looking to the right as well.

  Casey looked to the right again. Seriously, what are they…

  That’s when she saw him. Ben was in the courtyard outside the lecture hall stretching his hams and quads on the bench seat at the table next to where the nurses were sitting. Another runner was with him. Casey watched as they both bent down on their right knee and pulled their right foot towards their back. They held it for a few seconds and then switched sides.

  From this angle she had a perfect view of his profile. She could see his left quad tighten as he pulled his foot closer and closer to the blue nylon shorts that were also being stretched tight against his muscles.

  His stomach flexed and her eyes traced the outline of his obliques up to the lines that formed his chest, and then down to just below his waist where they tucked tightly into his shorts.

  She continued to watch as he stood up and walked over to the nurses’ table. He was smiling as they talked and then they pointed towards the windows that Casey was sitting behind. She looked around and it seemed like most of the class, even some of the guys, were watching him.

  She tried to quietly get up, but forgot about her iPad and almost knocked it off the desk as she stood. Several students looked back at her. “Sorry,” she whispered.

  She walked quickly up the ramp that led out of the auditorium and opened the door to the courtyard. The sunlight met her smile with instant warmth and Ben turned around as the door shut behind her.

  She looked over at the windows to see if anyone was still watching as she walked towards him, but they were tinted and she could only see a small reflection of the courtyard instead.

  “I thought you were stopping by later?” Casey said, still unable to wipe the smile from her lips.

  “Kiss me,” he said.

  “What?” she asked, surprised at his choice of words.

  He stepped closer. “Kiss me.”

  His voice was calm and steady, almost commanding. His body language was the same as that one night he snuck into her window, as if he were here for one thing and one thing only.

  Her body tingled as the warmth of the sun spread over her, coaxing away the goosebumps from the frigid hospital.

  Ben pinched the fabric near the waist of her scrubs and pulled her closer and until she had to put her hands on his bare stomach to stop him. As her fingers felt the firm creases in his stomach, he repeated himself one more time. “Kiss me.”

  Her body betrayed her mind and she raised up on her toes moving closer to his lips. His warm hands slid softly over her arms, reversing the job the sun had started, and sending chills throughout the rest of her body. She wasn’t prepared for the sensation of his lips against hers. With his hands barely touching her it felt as if his lips held her entire body.

  Casey opened her eyes and realized everyone in the courtyard was staring straight at them. The nurses at the bench, the attending doctors across the way, the guy that Ben was running with. She could feel all of their eyes.

  “I’ll try to call or text when I can,” Ben said.

  Casey nodded.

  “And we can hang out Sunday after work, if you don’t have other plans?”

  “That sounds perfect.”

  Ben smiled at her and then nodded over at the guy standing behind him. He was about to take off when Casey said, “To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.” It was a famous quote from Steve Prefontaine, the guy Ben was always talking about.

  Ben paused for a moment holding her gaze. “As weird as this sounds, that may be the hottest thing you’ve ever said to me.” He leaned in and kissed her one more time and took off running, leaving Casey standing there smiling.

  When she walked back in, she tried to keep her head down, using the same elementary philosophy that if you never make eye contact with your teacher, they can’t call on you. But this wasn’t elementary school. Several of the male residents stood up and started making that horribly annoying hooting thing that guys do. “Whoo whoo woo!”

  Casey was so unbelievably embarrassed and then the girls joined in with their higher pitched cheers. Even pudgy Tom had stopped talking and was now clapping. Casey didn’t know what to do so she just stood there blushing, with her hand over her lips where Ben’s had just been.

  * * *

  “Man, was that your girl?” Brad said as he and Ben jogged alongside Center Road, back towards campus. Parker bailed on their run today, so Brad had tagged along. “That body. That face. Man, I’d…”

  Ben interrupted him. “Are you familiar with the phrase ‘when all you have is a hammer?’”

  Brad looked at Ben kind of confused as they ran. “No, why?”

  “Because I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your previous words were going to be something along the lines of, ‘Man I’d like to be friends with her, because she looks like such a nice girl.’ Because if I happened to believe you were thinking disrespectful thoughts about that girl back there, well…then you’re going to find out why every problem I have is a nail.”

  Brad didn’t say
another word the rest of the workout.

  43

  Regionals

  May 16, 2015

  Ben sat alone in a crimson padded fold out chair in the University of Alabama locker rooms. It felt like he had been doing nothing but sitting since they arrived in Tuscaloosa four days ago.

  He looked up at the black and white clock on the wall. It was 5:23 p.m. on Saturday afternoon and the only event that remained was the Men’s 5000 meter. To most people at the University of Florida the race didn’t mean a single thing because Florida had already secured enough points to win the Southeastern Conference Championships and a trip to next month’s NCAA Championships. For most people this was a race for second between Texas A&M and Arkansas. Not to Ben.

  Ben leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees as he rolled his wrists in small circles. He opened and closed his hands flexing muscles all the way up to his shoulder. He felt tight.

  He closed his eyes and tried to think of something, anything. But all he could see was the inexplicable darkness. He recalled the last words Casey said to him before he left. To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.

  The door to the locker room opened and Ben could hear the cacophony of noises from the crowd.

  Parker stepped into the doorway, the sun behind him creating a silhouette. “It’s time,” he said.

  The words reverberated through him like the echo of the crowd against the stands. It’s time.

  44

  Charts and Records

  May 16, 2015

  Casey had been sitting in the resident’s workroom for the past hour, charting and scheduling out-patient consultations. All the other interns, except one, had already gone home for the day, and it was her turn to wait to hand off the team’s patients to the night intern.

  Melissa sat across from her, re-reviewing patient charts. Ever heard of a paranoid patient? Well, Melissa was a paranoid doctor. A good doctor, but paranoid nonetheless. She put down her charts and looked up at Casey. “You need any help updating the patient list?”